One rule I live my life by is to love as hard as possible. To love, love, love. When it's easy and when it's hard...to take a deep breath, sit back and just love. To have compassion, to look further than what is front of you, to see what lies beneath the surface and find a place to flood my love in to.
But my goodness, there are days where this is hard. There are days where I can't do all of that. When a person is front of me being as rude as can be, without insight or care. When their goal is to put you down. To make you feel less than worthy. To make you look ridiculous. And I am called to just love. To find a way to still be compassionate, to be patient and to love.
I feel challenged. Don't you sometimes? It's not okay for me to be mad or angry with somebody. I don't sit comfortably with those feelings. I don't like feeling anything other than peace in my heart. It's my rule to find a reason for somebody's actions and to feel that compassion. But it isn't easy and there are some rare times that I'm burdened with my desire to love and my inability to do so in that moment. In that moment or even a day after. Two days after. A week after.
Where am I today? I'm a day after. A day after a situation where my blood boiled and I breathed deeply trying to find my inner rock of stability to be still and not bite back. To sit idly and appear weak, but in fact staying strong in my desire to act with love. I did it, but the anger is still here. Permeating through and through. Trying to forget it. Trying to move on but wondering if this person knows the impact they have on others. Knows the power of their words.
Still not feeling the love when I should. Still not feeling the compassion that I could. Sigh. It's not easy...this rule of mine. There are days like today when I think that it would just be easier if I could let myself feel free to swim in this sea of anger. But...I know that that isn't me. It wouldn't feel right. Sitting in this place of in-between isn't fun either. Trying to see this person as somebody with gaps in their life that make them act in less than understandable ways - that isn't a fun task.
Sigh.
It's hard. It's just hard to love all the time.
3 comments:
yeah it is really hard to love and forgive all the time. really hard. but what does love mean? sure, it means having compassion for the reason why a person might be acting out. but it doesn't mean you remain silent. sometimes, isn't it an act of love when your mistaken behaviour is pointed out to you? in a calm "loving" voice? don't feel that loving someone means not standing up for the truth. especially when the truth is that the person is not acting in a loving manner.
-x-
I think the loving comes in the trying. We're none of us perfect and just trying to be the best and most loving self we can is pretty amazing. I give you a free pass to swim around in the hot angry water for just long enough to decide it isn't right for you and then to move on to calmer, cooler springs.
Hugs to you for who you are... a loving,wonderful person!
aarti - i guess you sometimes have to weigh the option right? you have to figure out if it's worth it. if that person will be in a place to listen? we were at a birthday party so it just didn't seem the like appropriate time. thankfully i don't bump in to this person very often at all, so i left it alone. you make a good point though.
Jan - thanks sister. I'm in the cooler springs but I'm not sure where I'm at with forgiveness or letting go. A work in progress!
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