A friendship lost

In the past several months, I've had some small comments either on my blog or in conversations with my family and friends about my need to do things for myself. I've tried to slow things down and re-evaluate the activities as well as the people that I have in my life. With much sadness, I realized that there were several folks that were a piece of my proverbial pie that I really needed to distance myself from to remain healthy in my heart and in my mind.

Recently one person keeps seeping back in to my mind and I feel compelled to blog about it. I need to journal. To vent. To feel the release and have this episode be behind me.

For the sake of ease, let's call this person Debbie. I was friends with Debbie for about 2 years and quickly developed a close friendship, talking almost every night, going hiking every weekend in the Winter and dinner on Saturdays. It was probably slightly unhealthy the frequency of contact we had but it seemed to work and it seemed to be filling a gap in my life. I helped her manage a very difficult situation in her home and she gave me....hmm...I'm having to think about this one. What did she give me? What hole was she filling for me? I'm thinking out loud here....I guess she gave me a 'somebody'. You know? How everybody needs a 'somebody'? I have plenty of 'somebody's' but I think Debbie was more there than the rest of my friends in AZ, although my Kelly would be here from San Diego in a heart beat if I needed her that badly.

This freakish amount of contact continued for quite a bit of time. There was many times that I did get frustrated with constantly being there for Debbie to lean on. That was probably a bit selfish on my part but it becomes hard hearing the same story over and over and over again and there comes a time when you don't know what different to say. In my life, I have many friends I share my joys and challenges with. It seemed like with Debbie it was all forwarded in my direction. That's a lot.

So how did it come all crashing down? Well it took me a while to see it but I began to realize that Debbie was literally bringing me down. Over a 6 month period the blinders came off and I began to recognize that whenever I asked 'how are you?' there was some sort of woe is me response. I even started feeling like I had to match Debbie's current state of mind/emotion. Stupid, I know. I felt wierd even sounding peppy or up-beat! In fact when I did answer the phone sounding as such, she would sound surprised! I started to realize that important things in my life that were occuring that I would tell Debbie about, she wouldn't remember. She didn't ask about all the tests I had done when my liver enzymes were slightly off. She didn't ask about my family and how they were doing. She didn't want to know about my gardening or my mama, Shila. I kinda realized that Debbie really did talk about herself the-whole-time and she complained a majority of the time.

Phew. That felt good to get off my chest.

Once I became aware that this person was starting to become almost toxic to me, I began the painful process of creating distance. It was hard. Very hard. But it happened and now we don't talk at all and it's clear to both of us that our friendship is over.

I'm having a hard time with this. I'm realizing that I seem to attract friends that I feel a need to help in some shape, way or form. If I look back in my life, the majority of my friends have needed something and I have jumped right in to help and be the strong friend. The one they can lean on and be the rock for until I get exhausted and realize that it's too tiring being that kind of friend. And then I resent that person and I shouldn't! It's not their fault. It's mine. I need to be picky about the people I choose to surround myself with. I need to choose people that have a good energy around them, that are positive, that believe in the power of believing. I need to continue to have people that practice an equal balance of give and take, where I feel that there is a mutual partnership in interest. These are all things that I have learnt. Definitely a progression in self-awareness and personal growth. Ooooh, I can't believe that I just used two highly used buzz phrases in one sentence!

Although I have definitely been able to learn from this unfortunate end to a friendship, I'm still feeling sad with the whole situation. I feel sad that it had to come to this. Sad that I had my blinders on for so long and created a bad scenario. I've realized that I'm not a person that can have a friend that totally consumes my 'friend time'. You know what I mean. :) I'm healthier when I have plenty of friends that I maintain normal friendships with. Although I know that I had to do this to stay sane and healthy, I guess that there is still a sore part of my heart that hasn't healed. My blogging about this is my attempt to heal just a little bit more and be okay with what has occured.

Have you had experiences like this before? Can you relate? Can you help me heal just a little bit more?